Ram (fictional character) was a shy kid and infact a bit scared to approach other kids and make friends. He was comfortable with his group of 1 or 2 friends whom he knew. Ram was also very fond of cricket and wanted to play. He didn’t know the kids who played cricket so his mother took it upon her to introduce Ram to the kids and ask them if he could join them. As Ram grew older he continued to depend on his mother to solve situations which were not comfortable for him. I think we can call him the “typical mumma’s boy”. Being an ideal mom, Ram’s mother always wanted the best for him. Didn’t want any kind of trouble come his way. From packing his school tiffin, to ironing his clothes, making his bed, feeding him day and night Ram’s mom did it all. Ram felt comfortable and secure in is mom’s presence. His mom only asked him to study. He didn’t like studying much but did it for his mom. He found himself to be good at Maths and Science. It helped stimulate his brain with new ideas.
As years go by and Ram does well at school. He gives Engineering entrance exams and finds himself with an opportunity to go to decent colleges but a bit far from home. He does get into some colleges closer to home but they are not as good. But choosing a college close to home will mean he can be near his mother and be comfortable.
Plot 1 – Ram decides to go to college close to home. He is a day scholar and is happy as he can stay at home in his comfort zone. He has his parents with him and all he needs to do is study and get a job. He has improved his social skills but he doesn’t like situations which make him uncomfortable. This attitude has seeped into his other areas of life. He works hard and does well at school. His father has told him that he should be an Engineer and that is what he will be. He knows the path and can work hard at it and will make it big. Somewhere at the back of his mind he knows he likes to draw and paint but it is unexplored territory and will not help him earn much of a living. Plus, even thinking about it makes him feel uncomfortable. There is something strong within him which wants him to do it but then the conscious mind prevails and he lets those thoughts go. He has found alcohol and sex pretty helpful to forget such situations which make him uncomfortable. He knows he will become successful in life in his parent’s definition which is also now his definition. But there is something which keeps gnawing at him from inside. He can’t understand what and doesn’t want to. He follows what the world wants him to do.
Plot 2 – For reasons unknown even to himself, Ram decides that he wants to go to a college away from home. It will be a new life, freedom to choose and he likes that thought. He will still come home every month to see his mom so probably gets best of both worlds. So, Ram goes to a different city and slowly starts meeting new people. He starts forming his own opinions, without any influence from his parents. He loved to draw and paint as a kid but could never do it. In his new college he has found like-minded people and enrolled for a class on painting. It relaxes him, takes him to a new world. Ram did visit his home often during the initial days of college but then slowly he became busy and started to realize that not everything his parents told him was true. For example, they told him you need to study hard become an Engineer to make a good living and there is no other way. He was starting to question some of those beliefs. And going back home sucked him back into the original beliefs. He wanted more time to build his own world view and start deciding things for himself. He may go wrong in few of his decisions but he will learn, get up and try again. He will create his own definition of success.
These are two examples of how life can take very different turns depending on the decisions made in childhood. The process actually starts way before the time a kid is ready for college. There are many aspects of how a kid’s personality gets shaped as they grow up but I believe putting kids in safe but difficult situations where they need to figure their way out themselves is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids. It is a fine balance of taking them outside their comfort zone but all the while being there to support them in keeping their morale high.
Looking back at how my generations have grown up I can clearly see both the above plots playing through in different ways. On the one hand, there are individuals who have grown up to become successful adults in the eyes of their parents and society and on the other those who have grown up to become to create a life of their own irrespective of whether society sees it as success or failure. The second types seem more content. Primary difference between the two types has been how parents have decided to express their love towards the kid. Some parents show their love by being over protective and giving into every demand of the kid not letting the kid away from themselves. While the second type took it on them to make the kid work for everything. Not giving the kids all the comforts even if they can. Giving kids responsibilities and showing them the importance of discipline even if it means being tough with the kid. The choice seems easy but is tough to execute.
